Wednesday, 22 February 2012
not the best day in my life, farest not the best in my time in dhaka time,
but i guess good, cause as you do, usually, on days like that you learn a lot, about yourself, the others around you and maybe about life.
you always say that, but in that moment at the end of the day, sitting in my room and feeling pitty about me and the rest of the world i felt just horrible, weak and angree. and the funny thing was, i always was talking about it, formulated all the words , but never understood, obviously.. no i did.
it is about identity, individualism, communication possibilities, or better word, the right to speak and the missing of it, of all of them. instead stereotyping. steretyping leads to lack of communciation, leads to no individuality, no respect, no dignity, either way.
i was today at a guy party. i know guy and bangladesh a different thing. i am aware about the complexity of that case, that it is moralistic and legal forbidden, that they are trying to make chnage , that it is stil hard etc.
i was invited, the organizer knew me as a journalist and photographer. i came with a camera, i aksd three times if it would be ok, cause i suspected no,w hich i would not have a problem with that. but he said yes, asked how many pictures i already took, to get the video out. blablabl. so i assumed that shoudl be for him. he was at least interested. so i assumed. maybe wrong. i don't know.
suddenly a guy came, atteh end of the eve. accussed me. white bitch. that i would not know, that i was like all he other whites. stuff like that. i tried to say something. he did not allow me, i stood up. he punched me on the wall. i cried he still did not care.
even when talking to the organizer, feeling pitty and shocked they did not get it.
it is not about punching, i do not take it personal at all. haha that is actualy the issue,. i acnnot take it personal, cause it is not me but a whole white generation which is responsible for everything. and i am representing them. damn i pulled the whites into dirt again.
that was what i was crying for. frustration also not be able to declare myself.
he did not care. at all. thats ok, but now i knwo how it feels, lost frustration, anger.
in one moment i actually thought. well if you really think that i can do whatever i want, cause you do not expect anything else from me and even i try to change your perception you would still not see it./
i saw this happen very often, in hungary with the gypsies, the roma and being stereotyped as being stupid, thiefs and dirty.
later on i tried to go home. firt time cng, the minicap, alone. we got a bit lost. i mixed up teh way. i am sorry. not that much but a bit. and teh we stood on tedoor. i wanted to give him 70 thaka more. quite a lot he wanted to have 500 intotal, taht would 300 more. we argued. minimal, cause nobody knew each other language. i could run away. he had the money in his hand, i was in front of my apartment. i knew he would not do anything. but i stayed out of respect. because i was not used to it.
he got his money. i felt sick. left him. i am just a spoiled white you ca rip off. basically it is your duty to get ripped of.
in the morning i was out with adnan, shooting pictures from the recycling people. portrait, individually, interviewed.
a way to give them a voice. individually, respect, self confidence. honour.
in some point adnan was talking about the whites who are coming in and giving teh peopel money for pictures, the whites who are destroying the system.